Upon hearing that i was beside u, you opened your eyes to look at me. At this time i realised just how much torment u were in. You can only open your left eye, cos your right eye is no longer functioning; you called for me, "wen~~~~", you also screamed "pain~~, pain~~!!!" , all these were spoken in single syllabus only, cos you can no longer talk properly. Dad said its one of the symptoms that pple show when they about to leave le, tongue will harden.
However, you still tried to control te pain and looked at me with those watery and miserable eyes of yours. I quickly took out the bad i bought for u in China. I asked if you like it, you stared at the bag and nodded you head slowly. I asked if you like the colour, you blinked your eyes, dad said that it meant a yes. Suddenly, you cried in pain again. I cried as well, knowing that just how unfillial i was to arrive so late. I wasn't there by your sie all this while to take care of and comfort you. The doc came, and injected yet another dosage of morphine. I stroked your head till u were about to sleep, and after dad gave u a kiss on your forehead, i said byebye to u, and that i would come again the next day.
The 2nd day when i arrived, you were already sleeping. When i talked to u, i duno if u can hear, but there were times when i stroked your head and cheek, and u opened your eye to see me, then closed back again. I didn't manage to talk much with u.. I watched as your chest lifted up and down very slowly, but heavily. I left after that.
The 3rd day, once again, you were sleeping when i came. The doc had given a 24hr dosage of morphine. Grandpa came with us this time. He called out your name loudly, but you did not respond at all. Dad kissed your forehead again, saying that it is time to let go, dun cling on anymore.. The sufferings that you went through was enough, dun have to worry about the kids and family anymore, time to let go.. Grandpa told you that he will take care of the kids, and that she shouldn't be suffering anymore. You teared. Your tears glittered under your lashes. I watched as your chest lifted up and down very slowly, but heavily. At around 8plus in the nite, we left.
A few hours later, at 12.30 am, auntie called. You had decided to let go. We rushed down to see you for the final time. You left in your sleep, peacefully. I cried bitterly, dad cried, everyone cried. It's something that is far more than sadness. My heart ached severly.. I couldn't believe that you are gone. Pple asked me not to cry, as your departure is somethins that we should be relieved about, cos you have also departed from all your pain and sufferings. But i cannot accept this as fact; i dun wan to accept. I came only a few days ago, i did not have chance to spend time with u.. I cannot accpet this..
I helped you put on your shoes, and looked on as they put on your white top, the one that i chose for u personally. As i watched them covering your face with the white cloth, i broke down again.
Right now, i am crying again.. I dun think i can continue typing anymore. I only know that the cremation moment was the worst and most bitter moment of my life. I still need time to get over this. I still cannot forget you, mummy.. I have so much regrets in me, things that i never bother to tell you when you were still alive.Forgive me mum..
I love you, and hope that when you are in heaven, please look out for the bright light of eternal happiness..
I LOVE YOU MUMMY.
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